


Home Sweet Home

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adjusting, Anniversary, Clint & Natasha friendship, Developing Relationship, Domesticity, Epistolary, F/F, Holidays, Humor, Living Together, M/M, Neighbors, Normal Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 22:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve/Clint established relationship. Steve wants a normal life away from SHIELD so he and Clint quit and try to figure out how to live the dream of a normal life. Clint has no idea how to deal, so he emails Natasha for advice..</p><p>For this prompt at avengerkink: <i>For whatever reason (Clint chooses to for Any or maybe he's injured and is forced to retire from being an active agent), Clint's living a normal life now, or trying to. Only, he's never had a normal life so he doesn't really know how. So he treats it like a deep cover and someone (Coulson? Fury? Natasha? Tony???) gives him a mission briefing with the details.... And maybe he keeps a mission log, like 'Neighbor invited me to a bbq again, I think he suspects something' or 'Got another electric bill, I just paid one a month ago!'</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Sweet Home

**Email Message  
** Date: March 15  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: hey  


Tash—

Operation Normal Life is underway. Steve is loving it. He still expects me to explain this century to him, asking about how things have changed, but unless he’s talking weapons or stuff on the news, I can’t really help him. It’s like, how am I supposed to know what a lease agreement looks like? You know what the only lease agreement I’ve ever had was like? The circus owner said _sleep on that mat and I’ll kill you if steal from me._ That was my lease agreement. There’s all this fine print shit. Steve sent the paperwork over to Coulson to look over, but why do we need Coulson? Shouldn’t we be two functioning adults?

Whatever. I fucking hate paperwork. And in normal life, you can’t just threaten a SHIELD intern into doing your paperwork for you. 

Fucking normalcy. 

 

**Email Message  
** Date: April 20  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: Domestic life 

 

Why the fuck didn’t SHIELD teach us how to decorate a house? We had to learn to ballroom dance and cook and be a waiter and know good wines and shit just in case we needed it for a cover? Why didn’t they think we might someday need to know how to decorate a fucking house?

Steve isn’t any help, but he’s watching Martha fucking Stewart all day. I used to think she was a hot older lady, like the kind who is surprisingly dirty in bed. But now I just want to scream at the television that nobody in real life has a home that looks that nice so stop pretending that it’s something we can do!!!

Because when I make a centerpiece out of pinecones, it looks like SHIT.

But how do you tell someone who grew up in the fucking Great Depression that he can’t have the home he wants.

We also did taxes. Not really. We stayed up all night the night before they were due trying to figure it out and then we started crying. We called Phil the morning of the 15th and he electronically filed an extension for us. We still have to figure it out again though.

Anyway, how are you doing? How did your date go last weekend?

 

**Email Message  
** Date: June 24  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: Domestic life redux 

Hey, how’s Jane? How’s the team going?

Anyway, we went to CostCo and Steve wanted a rug. I said to get one that wouldn’t show bloodstains, just in case, but then he held up two rugs and asked which one I like better. I said I didn’t care but he wanted me to pick. Like everything we bought today, he wanted my input on. EVERY SINGLE THING. Do you like this vase? What kind of cheese plate should we buy?

I fucking talked about cheese plates. 

So when he wouldn’t shut up about the rug, I said, “I don’t give a fuck what rug you pick. I only came shopping with you so you would be happy and give me a blowjob tonight because your tongue is a fucking miracle of science.”

Apparently, people don’t say things like that when there are small children around. A lot of moms and dads gave me dirty looks.

It was almost worth it, though, to see Steve turn bright red 

But it seemed not quite as worth it when we got home and it became clear that I really wasn’t getting a blowjob.

But don’t worry. We’re not fighting any more. We talked it out.

Stop laughing, Tash. I talked about what I thought and so did he. I’m totally serious.

And I think it’s okay now. 

I’m hoping you were right when you said that I’d be able to do this relationship thing. I think I’m kind of figuring it out. Slowly. And with fewer blowjobs than I would like.

But I’m getting it. Kind of. Like, sometimes, when I come home and Steve is there and we just like eat dinner and talk all night on the couch, and he kind of leans on me a little, I feel like this relationship thing maybe isn’t total bullshit.

I think I might actually survive sharing my life with someone.

The thing I don’t think I’ll be able to figure out is… everything else. The shopping and the decorating and the electric bills (EVERY FUCKING MONTH) and then all these other bills (and not on the same day as the electric bill!). When have I ever had to pay a bill that wasn’t at a restaurant? And I keep running out of stamps. Fucking stamps! 

Seriously. I don’t know if I can do all this shit. I honestly think that CostCo might kill me.

PS I taped Steve doing the bills last month, since it involved him licking American flag stamps repeatedly. I set the video to porn music and sent it to Coulson lol. 

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: June 25  
From: AgentCoulson@[redacted]  
To: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
Subject: Requested information  
  
Clint – 

I checked out your next door neighbor, as you requested. No, they are not foreign spies or HYDRA agents. They are an accountant and a social worker, just as they claim. I think that they keep inviting you to their weekly barbecue because they are trying to be good neighbors. 

I also received the video that you sent me. Thank you for destroying my childhood. Retaliation will be swift and humiliating.

Best wishes on the shopping. Remember, either of you can ask me if you have questions. 

-Phil

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: June 26  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: AgentCoulson@[redacted]  
Subject: You motherfucker  
  
This is NOT a proportional response. You can’t just make the Girl Scouts think I promised to sell 10,000 boxes of cookies. Why would I do that? 

Do you know who came with the delivery to get my signature? Little girls!!! Do you know how they looked at me when I said to take their cookies back? These girls are like the next generation of Natashas. Totally manipulative with their little frowny sad faces. Steve totally fell for it.

If you talk to Steve, he’ll say that I’m the one who couldn’t say no to their sad little faces. But it was Steve. 

So now our newly decorated house (and you KNOW what a pain in the ass it was to get it that way!) is full of cookie boxes. And I have to go door to door selling them.

Do you KNOW how creepy it is for a grown man to go around selling girl scout cookies? And if Steve is with me, he doesn’t even like to lie about the fact that we don’t have a daughter. We’re just two super creepy dudes selling girl scout cookies!!!

Not cool, Phil. Not cool at all.

I mean, it’s not like we would never want a daughter. Or a boy. Either one. But that’s a long way off. 

And regardless, my daughter isn’t going to sell Girl Scout cookies. She’ll learn archery from me and martial arts and verbal persuasion from Natasha and science from Jane and hopefully morals from Steve and you can teach her stuff too, like maybe how to do completely disproportionate revenge you ass, but with all that she won’t have time for girl scouts. 

And if she does join girl scouts, then I’ll just buy all her cookies so she won’t have to do anything. Because I would be an awesome dad like that.

Except I wouldn’t be awesome. Have you ever seen the kids aisles at the store? There’s like special seats and special things they chew on and special foods and special ways to childproof your house and every product is claiming to be “SAFE!” right on the front, so I think that means that a lot of kids’ stuff is not safe at all, and it looks really, really fucking complicated. And I looked it up online and do you know how much fucking paperwork is involved in having a kid?

Anyway, I’m sending you some Thin Mints. Three boxes. One of them has laxatives injected into one single cookie.

I know that Thin Mints are your weakness. You won’t be able to resist.

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: June 30  
From: BlackWidow1@google.com  
To: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
Subject: hey  
  
Don’t antagonize Phil. It won’t go well for you.

Jane and I are good. She works 100 hours a week so she’s never pissed at me when I have to work or travel or anything. And she knows what I do for a living but isn’t a spy, so that’s kind of a new thing.

I had coffee with Steve the other day. He seemed really, really happy. I don’t think he’s disappointed with you at all, so you should stop worrying. You know me, and you know if Steve thought you were inadequate in any way, I’d tell you straight up to dump his ass.

I will take 10 boxes of Samoas. Yes, they are all for me. Say something about it.

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: September 3  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: invitation  
  
So are you coming to the thing this weekend? Steve really wants the whole team there. We’re going to watch baseball and eat pieces of a very large, long sandwich. I can’t wait until Bruce, Tony, and Jane just sit there talking about string theory while Steve tries to get everyone excited about watching sports. 

Speaking of, Steve has caught up with reading about the baseball history that he missed. He’s been telling me about baseball because apparently it’s a very exciting season. I tried to be nice and listen, and I even asked him how the New York Jets were doing this year.

Apparently, they’re a football team, not a baseball team. 

Anyway, Steve’s ex is also going to be there this weekend.

Fucking Winter Soldier. Reformed, my ass.

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: October 21  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: suspicions  
  
I am POSITIVE the guy down the block is stealing our newspaper on Sundays.

Tell me again why I can’t shoot him?

Stupid civilian life with its stupid Geneva conventions.

Maybe YOU could talk to him?

PS do you understand compound interest? Like not the math behind it, but if you were going to buy a mini-van, how do you know you’re not getting screwed?

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: December 10  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: IronGenius2011@starkmail.com  
Subject: Re: Holiday get together  
  
Yes, Steve and I can both come. We’ll be a little late since Steve has art class that afternoon. 

I would like to point out that you are computer hacker and it was your personal AI that assigned names for the gift exchange and so there is NO WAY that it is random that I got stuck having to buy something for Fury. WTF. I KNOW YOU DID THIS TONY!!!

As for you, I really have no idea what you’re going to get Natasha. I can see why that would be a challenge. Maybe some really good vodka? Or a really, really good gun?

Yeah, I know you don’t make weapons any more. But it’s a special time of year.

Anyway, you should stop by when you can. Steve has decorated the place like you wouldn’t believe. We even have a Santa display on the roof. It took Steve three weeks to figure out I rigged the garden gnome to look like it was shooting Rudolf in the nose. 

Seriously, it looks like a deranged toy shop in our house with all the decorations. But it makes Steve happy. And it always smells like candy canes. Which is kind of awesome. 

Don’t tell Steve, but I’m buying him a minivan for Christmas. It’s already all set, delivery on the 25th.

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: January 14  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: Paperwork  
  
I just got a W-4 or W-6 or a W-something from SHIELD for the first couple of months of last year. I also got one from my new EMT job that I just started (blah blah hero complex, shut up. Jobs where nobody’s shot are BORING. Tell me you don’t think the same).

Anyway, do I seriously have to do taxes AGAIN??????

We just fucking figured out last year’s.

Steve is going to cry again.

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: February 15  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com  
Subject: V Day  
  
Sorry we couldn’t go to the Vagina Monologues with you and Jane yesterday. We already had Valentine’s plans. Is the play as hot as it sounds?

Sorry, Steve just saw what I was typing and told me that it’s a very serious play about women’s bodies and society and it’s full of tragedy, humor, and triumph. And he gave me that look. The ‘my morals are better than yours because I’m fucking Captain America’ look. 

LOL steve just pointed out that I’M the one who’s fucking Captain America. 

Anyway, I totally didn’t fuck up Valentine’s day. Neither of us worked in the evening, and I remembered to get a gift and card and to make reservations. The gift was a toy of the sexual nature. Steve loved it.

Steve just blushed lol. I think he’s just now figuring out that I tell you everything.

Crap. We’re probably going to have to talk about our feelings later because I said that. Don’t worry, I’m totally good now at talking about my feelings. I mean, you know, compared to how I was. Shut up.

Anyway, you know what Steve got me? He painted a picture of the two of us together. It’s so awesome. It’s hanging above our fireplace now. 

You know, it’s kind of been a pain in the ass, but I’m really glad Steve and I tried this. Living together, blah blah blah. It’s not so bad  

Also, Steve says that for next Valentine’s Day he’ll paint the naked kind of picture for us to hang in our bedroom. It’ll be a picture of me and Steve in any position I want. How great is normal life?

Give Jane a hug for me. 

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: March 2  
From: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
To: BlackWidow1@google.com, AgentCoulson@[redacted], IronGenius2011@starkmail.com, AgentHill@[redacted], DirectorFury@[redacted], BruceB56789@gmail.com, janefoster@gmail.com, thorfromasgard@[redacted], PepperPotts@starkmail.com, AgentSitwell@[redacted]  
Subject: Anniversary party  
  
Hey everyone,

I’m throwing a surprise party for Steve to celebrate living together for a year. No gifts – just show up and have a good time. 

Remember, DON’T tell Steve about the party. Do NOT let it slip out. 

That means you, Tony. 

And you, Thor.

The house is a mess because we’re packing for a vacation in April. Also, we JUST finished selling the girl scout cookies. COULSON. But it’s totally casual, and we just want you to spend some time with us in our home.

See you on the 10th.

 

 **Email Message  
** Date: March 11th  
From: BlackWidow1@google.com  
To: clintbartoniscool@yahoo.com  
Subject: Congratulations  
  
You sneaky bastard. 

Telling us to keep the party a secret from Steve.

I’m actually impressed. That was a masterful use of distraction. 

I actually had no idea that Steve was in on the surprise – that you had proposed to him last week and that this was actually an engagement party so you two could surprise all of us with the announcement.

I’m kidding of course. Obviously, I knew. For goodness’ sake, Clint, you asked me how to know if a ring is the right size a month ago. 

But everyone else was surprised, so good job.

And congratulations! I’m really happy for you and Steve. 

I know you’re a little nervous. It’s normal to be a little nervous. And you know how to do normal just fine. You’ve conquered normal. You have kicked its ass up and down your normal little block. And I’m proud of you. 

You and Steve are going to be so happy together. I love you both.

-Natasha

PS If you don’t pick me as the Best Person/Person of Honor for the wedding party, I’m going to talk you into wearing the tackiest tuxedo in the world for the ceremony. That’s right. I warned you that I’m going to trick you. And I’m still going to be able to trick you anyway.

You know that I can.


End file.
